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[13 Mar 2009|08:13pm] |
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it's been awhile but today seemed to be the day.. I hope no one has forgotten our friend on this friday, march 13. it's been a hard one for me to deal with this year. I'm not sure why some years seem to be harder than others. but it's still a battle.
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[02 Sep 2008|12:04am] |
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I'm not sure why but I really wish heath ledger was still alive
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| right now |
[21 Aug 2008|08:24pm] |
it's foggy and cold out so I'm having one of those quiet, indulgent nights. I went to the market and got some red wine and chocolate chip cookie dough icecream. I'm definitely going to need to go to the gym for a LONG time tomorrow, but I'm enjoying myself tonight! I'm in cozy sleepwear, I turned all the lights off and turned the white christmas lights on. I lit incense and I'm watching friends. SO NICE.
last night I got home and I really needed the storage space of my drawer that once belonged to james. When he moved out, he left all the things that reminded him of me in that drawer and I haven't opened it since. it was WAY too hard. letters, gifts, a drawing kelsie did of us together. so anyway, I haven't opened that drawer in 2 1/2 months. last night, after a couple vodka sodas, I grabbed a bag and threw everything away. liberating.
I felt so liberated that I decided to change my burned out lightbulb in the kitchen. I called mike, who is in sonoma right now, and told him to stay on the phone and if I fall to call 911. I grabbed the only tall chair I have in my house (bar stool style) and climbed up there. The only thing I could hold on to was the ceiling.
I ended up falling.
the stool slipped out from under my feet and I hit the ground. I'm glad that I had those vodka sodas because my body just tumbled across the floor almost into the living room. but then again, had I not had those vodka sodas, I probably wouldn't have fallen in the first place... anyway, I just sat there on the ground saying "oww.. oww.. mike, don't call 911 I'm okay!" OUCH it still hurts.
and I also bought a new blowdryer today. a t3 featherweight. expensive. and amazing.
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[27 Jul 2008|09:13pm] |
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I feel weird and lonely. I haven't felt this in a long time. I miss James. Even when he's right in front of my face. But I'm excited to go to sf
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[06 Jul 2008|05:17pm] |
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music |
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magnetic fields |
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last night I got home from san francisco- I got a ride with my dad; I love him so much. I rode the train up on thursday night. it was really long and fun and the scenery was amazing. I sat next to a 5 year old girl and she was hilarious. she totally gets it. her mom, on the other hand, maybe not so much. my two brothers, jake and abram picked me up from the train station and we went to this bar called valley bar. we had a drink there and went to my brother jake's house for a little while before going to see his girlfriend at work, another bar in bernal heights called wild side west (we did a lot of drinking). we played pool and drank and it was fun. then we helped close the bar at the end of the night and went back to my jake's where we talked until 5:30am. I slept all day the next day then we got up to have breakfast at 4:30pm (brinner). we went to the castro and ate at bagdad's, which I haven't had in years. I helped with laundry and grocery shopping, etc etc and hung out at the house. we went back to the wild side west and I got hit on by mostly lesbians. I didn't realize they were lesbians till one asked for my phone number. jake, abe and I played a trivia game for awhile and that was the probably one of the highlights of the trips! again, helped close the bar and stayed up talking until 6am. the next day, we went to atherton for a pool party with my entire family. on the way there, abram gave me a bunch of things that he had gotten me for my birthday! cute brother! at the party, I ate a lot of cheese and bbq. it was so fun and I loved hanging out with my brothers all weekend. I laughed so hard all weekend that I cried and at one point, I literally thought I was going to pee my pants. I'm going back in two weeks for the outdoor cinema in point richmond. the whole town goes over to our friend hugh's house and they project a movie in the street onto a huge screen. it's really fun. I only took a few pictures this whole weekend cause I'm a dummy :(
my new friend ariana
eating a chip
I asked her if she was going to put sunglasses on the sun she was drawing... she laughed and started putting on sunglasses on EVERYTHING- including herself with chips
close up
we were looking up rod stewart album covers.. these were two entirely different albums.
my niece, Jordan that I'm obsessed with
a little bit before I left
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| vacation, all I ever wanted |
[28 Jun 2008|01:21pm] |
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I took a week off work to go to seattle, but due to recent changes in my relationship status, I canceled my plane ticket. James still went. I thought it would be good for him to go hang out with his brother. I'm pretty sad that I'm not in seattle, but I am having so much fun here! There's something so amazing about staying home and just taking time off work. I don't think I've EVER taken a week off work. on Thursday I woke up, went to breakfast, laid in a hammock, drank a few beers in the pub, saw a movie, had dinner made for me by a friend. it was so fun. then yesterday I laid out naked in the backyard, got my hair cut, FINALLY got a california license (3 years later), had sushi with amber, drank vodka rockstars with my neighbors, went downtown, then ended the night at a dance party. hung out with eddy numbskull. he was drinking! that was weird. so fun! today I woke up, had lunch with amber, went to linnea's and drank coffee, ate german chocolate cake, sat in the window, talked to friends passing by. now I'm listening to keb' mo' with the door open- the weather is absolutely beautiful. next I'm going to go get a facial. tomorrow is my birthday! 24. I love not working! I feel more relaxed than I've felt in a really long time. I think I'm going to make an appointment to work on my sleeve. I just have one more sitting, I think! life is fun right now.
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| happy birthday |
[13 May 2008|06:02pm] |
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I had this weird dream about kevin. I used to dream about him a lot right after he died, but I haven't in a couple years. In my dream, I saw him walking across the street and I ran after him and stopped him. I was freaking out, asking him where he had been all this time if he was still alive. he told me that he had to leave for four years and that he was back now but he wasn't allowed to talk about what he had seen or done. I asked how his mom was dealing with the fact that he was back. He said that she was really mad at first because she had grieved him when she didn't have to. but he explained to me that he had to do what he did and he was just glad to be back home. we spent all this time together hanging out and spending the night at each other's houses and when we didn't spend the night at each other's houses, I would wake up really early to get up and go hang out with him. We went hiking and watched movies and hung out all the time. It was SUCH a good dream. I was so happy. It felt like he was coming to spend time with me in my dream since we can't hang out in person anymore. It was so great. Then I woke up and I missed him SO much. And today's his 24th birthday. Happy birthday kevin!
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[11 May 2008|11:14pm] |
I had such a fun weekend! On friday night, James and I went to this show at the buchon house. Then we were going to walk home and decided to stop at mccarthy's to go to the bathroom. we saw a bunch of people that we liked so we stayed for a drink, then went over to a party. It was SUCH a fun party. I hung out with these cute gay boys all night.
saturday we went to carissa and cameron's wedding! It was fun and the ceremony made me cry. It was so nice out where we were. At the reception, every plate had a fake mustache. The one James had on look real. It was funny. After the wedding, I came home and took a nap. I woke up to my brothers' voices! So I got up and we went to a dinner party at my upstair neighbor's house with everyone that lives in our apartment complex. We ate falafels and drank wine. Then we went out and saw a bunch of old friends. After we got home from the bar, we stayed up till 5am talking and hanging out. I like my brothers! I jumped in a bush on the way home, imitating this creepy guy, and I thought I was going to pop right back off it.. but it wasn't dense enough and fell IN the bush. When i got home, I had leaves and sticks in my hair and I couldn't stop laughing in the bathroom. Jake was singing Bowie and realized that he was singing about spaceships. Maybe you had to be there, but it was really fun.
Today we got up and went to my parents' house for mother's day. I got to hang out with my siblings and their families. My nieces wanted me to hold them the whole time and I liked it! One of my nieces is 14 months old and she's so small, she looks like a little 9 month old walking around. It's weird. I like her and she's what I imagine my children will look like.
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[25 Apr 2008|07:26pm] |
james is getting a haircut right now. I can't wait to see what he's going to look like.. seeing as how I've been cutting his hair for the past few months. but I just felt like it wasn't really fair for him cause he's so cute and he deserves a really cute haircut. my cousin came to see me this week. she got here monday and left yesterday. I was sick the whole time! it sucked so bad. but james kept her and her roommate entertained and I appreciated that... but I was also jealous. finally on wednesday night, I went to nacho night. I needed out of the house! I love how every night is a different "night." tuesday = soup night. wednesday = nacho night. thurs = waffle night. at different friends' houses. tonight we're going to "grill and salad night." AND my brother's coming into town!
it's weird that james and I have already been together for 8 months. that flew by.
we're cousins
we're in love
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| easter |
[23 Mar 2008|10:35pm] |
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today was a good easter. I called my mom to see if they were doing anything but they weren't. so james and I went up to his mom and step dad's house in paso. it was SO pretty. they just moved. the weather was perfect and every view from their house is amazing. his brother, sister in law, niece and nephew all came over, too. we hid eggs for them, played frisby, hung out with each other, it was so fun. His mom and I cooked dinner then ate outside. I loved this easter a lot.
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[19 Mar 2008|09:07pm] |
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I just went online to see the website of the salon I used to work for in seattle. it made me miss seattle.
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| so good |
[07 Mar 2008|09:28pm] |
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everything is sooo good right now. I was just telling james about kevin and I didn't start crying. I felt happy. when I walk to work in the morning (2 miles at 8 or 8:30am), I find myself thanking God for the love of where I live, my affordable apartment, the love in my life, the love of my job, the weather, etc etc. I feel happy and good. I'm so happy that sometimes I get scared that it's too good to be true. like the song that says "joy, it tends to holds us with the fear that it will eventually depart." a part of me feels worried that it could all be gone tomorrow, but another part of me just keeps being thankful for what I've got. I got an email from the city of SF (I applied for a job with them), asking me to submit verification of employment for my job now (which means I'm being accepted for the position), but I don't want to move. It would be better money, but with the price of living, I would probably be in the same boat as I am now, with my inexpensive apartment and the money I make now. I'm not sure what to do now.
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| another amazing burrito |
[23 Feb 2008|02:42am] |
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james just made me a burrito with beans, cheese, sour cream aaaannnddd.... a hash brown. I'm so lucky (for him.. not just the burrito). someone gets me! it's weird and great and I'm in love and that's awesome!
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[28 Jan 2008|01:13am] |
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I was just thinking about how much I think. I used to be so devoted to my written journal and now I never write anymore. so many of my thoughts are lost to myself. I used to write about experiences. It's kind of strange to think about the thoughts that will be never be exposed when I die. Maybe I should explore this thought more when I'm not so tired and it's not so late. I'm really glad that my brother and his girlfriend came over tonight and I'm really glad that she sees a side of my mom that is really representing to her true self. I'm tired. goodnight.
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[16 Jan 2008|03:40pm] |
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today I went into the downtown salon to try to fix the alarm and 3 people said I look really different. I haven't seen them in a month or two because I'm always at the office on broad street. weird. I need to get off my ass and go to the gym before it gets too busy
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[12 Jan 2008|01:24pm] |
yesterday was so fun. on thursday night i went up to my parents house and stayed the night. we got up at 6am and drove to fresno for my brother's graduation from his firefighting class. he graduated the fire academy about 4 years ago and he's been trying to get a job ever since. after 4 years, he finally was hired on as a group of 13 but only 8 get hired permanently. so he made it! it's a big deal so I went to his graduation. I had so much fun with my neices, my parents, my sister in law and her family. it was a really good day. then last night we went to angela's house for a trampoline party. I didn't jump, though, cause there was mud all over the trampoline and you had to take off your shoes. ick. mud between my toes? no thanks. but it was still fun. everyone who works at starbucks with james was there and i like them.
( new years pictures )
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| currently |
[30 Dec 2007|06:59pm] |
I am enjoying a burrito. it includes beans, cheese, sour cream, hot dog and hamburger meat. mmmm. now some broccoli. and bud light. and we're about to watch stranger than fiction. james is SO putting his broccoli on his burrito. he's "going all the way," because his "happiness in non-negotiable."
and I love my new haircut
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| how we met |
[30 Nov 2007|06:55pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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james just left to go to band practice. we were just talking about the night that we re-met and how it all happened. things are SO good with him right now. a few months before we got together, he came into my work looking for lori. he alarmed me because I hadn't seen him in YEARS. he didn't even recognize me as me; he thought I was someone that he knew from working at uptown but when he walked in I saw him tweak his head, trying to place me. I look A LOT different than I did then. one night I was sitting in the back of frog n peach and he walked in again. I was just staring at him because I knew him through my best friend that passed away a long time ago. we briefly said hi again and kept talking to other people. these two total bros came up wearing flat billed hats, chains, stupid clothes and sat with me. I was trapped into talking to them for fucking ever. my friend shane walked in and I grabbed him so that the bros would think that shane was my boyfriend. shane looked at me like "Why are you talking to these idiots," and I saw james lingering, talking to other people but we occasionally glanced at each other. the bros looked up at james to see what I was looking at and said "hey dude, you like music or what." James said uh yeah. they turned back to me and said "I hate guys with style like that who wear tight pants and shit." I said "I think that's hot." they said "What! how could you think that's hot. he looks like every other musician douchebag." I said "Just like you guys look like every other douchebag that you look like?" bert started laughing and the bros got up and left. I grabbed james' leg and said "HEY! I know you through kevin." we talked the rest of the night, first about how we knew each other when I was 13 and how I had a crush on him. I got so excited every time I saw him at farmers market. then we talked about other stuff. at the end of the night, I said goodbye and walked out the back gate. I got to the other side of the bridge when I heard clanking boots running after me. he walked me home and we've spent every day together since. sometimes when I look at his little baby eyes, I think about the way that I felt when I saw him back when I was 13 and it's WEIRD. but sooooooooooooooooooo good. I'm really happy.
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[24 Nov 2007|05:09pm] |
it's been such a great few days. hanging out with my family and some old friends. last night I got to see jeff and matt. that made me SO happy. today my sister and I got matching tattoos for my grandma. it's still too swollen to take a picture.
( thanksgiving at my parents' house.. courtesy of my brother )
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letterstoelise's journal
